The four hardest statements to make in a marriage or in any relationship are these: 1. I was wrong. 2. I am really sorry. 3. Forgive me. 4. I need help.
Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same. Forgiveness must take place in the heart for otherwise it is worthless. For out of the fullness (the overflow, the superabundance) of the heart the mouth speaks (Matthew 12:34). Whereas reconciliation means a restoration of friendship after the injury.
If we have not truly forgiven, in our hearts, those who hurt us, then it will come out-sooner or later. But if forgiveness has indeed taken place in the heart, our words will show it. When there is bitterness, it will eventually manifest; when there is love, there is nothing in Him to make us stumble (1 John 2:10), even in our words.
It is for this reason that reconciliation is not always essential to total forgiveness. If it takes place in the heart, one does not need to know whether one’s enemy will reconcile. If I have forgiven him or her in my heart of hearts, and he/she doesn’t want to speak to me, I can still have the inner victory.
It is true that is far easier to forgive when we know that those who backstabbed, gossiped, maligned or betrayed us are sorry; but if I must have this before I can forgive, I may never have a victory.
Reconciliation takes two people, but the person you forgive may not want to see you. They may even be dead. Someone said, “It is remarkable how people love you in a casket.”
An injured person can forgive an offender without reconciliation. It is wonderful indeed should reconciliation follow, but some things can never be the same again because it takes two people to reconcile, a total willingness on both parties.
Forgiveness is an Inner Condition
It’s worth emphasizing that total forgiveness must take place in the heart. If those who hurt me don’t want to repent or reconcile, that isn’t my problem when I have totally forgiven them. Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence toward God (1 John 3:21).
Having a clear conscience and confidence before God is ultimately what total forgiveness is all about; it is Him that we want to please at all costs. He cares and knows whether I have truly forgiven, and when I know I have His love and approval I will be a very happy and contented child of God.
If someone says, I’m not required to forgive unless the other person repents first and says, ‘I am sorry’, then we have to remember Jesus said, Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do. And they divided His garments and distributed them by casting lots for them (Luke 23:34). If He had waited until they felt any guilt or shame for their words and actions, then Jesus would never have forgiven them.
We have to understand that most people we must forgive do not believe they have done anything wrong whatsoever; or if they did something wrong they believe it was justifiable. I would even say that most people I have ever had to forgive would be indignant at the thought that they had done something wrong.
God made me willing to do anything that I can do, consistent with the truth, for the sake of peace. For this reason I’ve had to give up what I believe are my rights in some instances and ask for forgiveness, though at the same time people justify themselves in all they’ve done and represent me as the only person guilty.
The Christian life requires effort. It is not just singing choruses in the church until you are taken to heaven, but it’s making every effort to know Jesus intimately. I have made a personal effort to be sure that I have a few ruptured relationships as possible in my Christian walk but sometimes it is not possible especially if you are reaping from an entire lifetime of very bad choices.
I have been reminded over and over again of the hurts I have inflicted upon others. As much as I would like to seek restoration, the means of doing so are no longer practically possible. While I believe that in Christ those past wrongs are forgiven, I sometimes feel a lingering sense of guilt and regret when I bring to mind those incidents.
Paul who persecuted and killed Christians before Christ met him, tells us to forget what lies behind but straining forward to what lies ahead, we are to press on toward the goal to win the supreme and heavenly prize to which God in Christ Jesus is calling us upward (see Philippians 3:12-14).
When God forgives us, He forgets what we once did, but we never will, and Paul’s reflections demonstrate this. The New Covenant is based on forgiveness. I think the most amazing miracle is that when God forgives, He also forgets. Our trouble is, we can’t forget it, and so we struggle to forgive ourselves.
You and I are charged to do everything in our power to be found in peace, without any quarrelling, and without any unresolved complaints or bitterness. Most of us have at least one or two damaged relationships. We’ve not picked up the phone and spoken to loved ones in years because of petty squabbles and arguments about land and properties which belong to the Lord anyway!
The Bible makes it clear that it is not always possible to bring peace in every relationship. However, it also states that as much as it is in us to do so, we should live at peace with all men:
Repay no one evil for evil, but take thought for what is honest and proper and noble aiming to be above reproach in the sight of everyone. If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave the way open for God’s wrath; for it is written, Vengeance is Mine, I will repay (requite), says the Lord. But if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals upon his head. Do not let yourself be overcome by evil, but overcome (master) evil with good (Romans 12:17-21 AMP).
I remember meeting someone, who overlooked the truth that they had terribly hurt me and instead claimed that, if they had not released or forgiven me, I would not have even afforded an airline ticket to come and reconcile with them. They totally believed that they had done nothing wrong whatsoever. What is hypocritical about this is they claimed they were praying (soulish prayers) for me and doing it for God and His glory!
How would you describe that dichotomy? A person like that mistakenly believes they are operating in the Holy Spirit. Therefore, they will believe that all their perceptions, words and opinions come from God. Because I am more interested in the Kingdom and not harbouring personal vendettas or grudges, I chose love over hate.
Love Keeps no Record of Wrongs
Love doesn’t let anybody know what someone said about you or did to you. This is exactly what Joseph did when he cried out in Genesis 45:1 “Have everyone leave my presence!” So there was no one with Joseph when he made himself known to his brothers. Why would Joseph make everyone leave? Because he did not want a single person in Egypt to know what his brothers had done to him twenty-two years before.
The reason why we keep wrongs is to use them and prove what happened. You might say to your husband, ‘I remember how you looked at that lady…I can never forget it’. That shows you’ve kept a record of wrongs. Love is a choice and total forgiveness is a choice. It is not a feeling, but an act of the will and we do it by faith. Forgiveness is not initially a feeling; it is a painful choice at first. But by God’s grace, it later becomes lodged in the heart.
The Bible tells us:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails… (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).
It is easy to love strangers but very hard to love those who are closest to us. Why? Because the ones we love the most can hurt us the most, although we are commanded to love them anyway. So the love that is described in this passage is supernatural love, far beyond anything that we can offer or hope for without supernatural means.
It is impossible for an individual who has not been consumed by the fiery love of God to understand or express that love to another human being. First John 4:19 teaches that the only reason, the only means, through which we are enabled and empowered to love is to first be loved by God.
In First John 4:7-21, God gives us the recipe for this supernatural love. It’s Him! John admonishes us to “love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.…because God is love” (1 John 4:7-8).
Although scientists tell us, there’s a thin line between love and hate, we as Christians are told,
If anyone says, I love God, and hates (detests, abominates) his brother in Christ, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, Whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister (1 John 4:20-21).
Not only does God live in us, but His love is made complete in us through the power of the cross and through His Holy Spirit.
Forgiveness is the Absence of Bitterness
What is bitterness? It is an inward condition. It is an excessive desire for vengeance that comes from deep resentment. It is one of the things that grieve the Holy Spirit (Ephesians 4:30) I love how the Amplified version describes this verse:
And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God (do not offend or vex or sadden Him), by Whom you were sealed (marked, branded as God’s own, secured) for the day of redemption (of final deliverance through Christ from evil and the consequences of sin).
Bitterness is one of the most frequent causes for people to miss out on the grace of God. The writer of Hebrews tells us to “strive to live in peace with everybody and pursue that consecration and holiness without which no one will ever see the Lord.” He goes on to say that we are to:
Exercise foresight and be on the watch to look after one another, to see that no one falls back from and fails to secure God’s grace (His unmerited favour and spiritual blessing), in order that no root of resentment (rancor, bitterness, or hatred) shoots forth and causes trouble and bitter torment, and the many become contaminated and defiled by it—That no one may become guilty of sexual vice, or become a profane (godless and sacrilegious) person as Esau did, who sold his own birthright for a single meal.
For you understand that later on, when he wanted to regain title to his inheritance of the blessing, he was rejected (disqualified and set aside), for he could find no opportunity to repair by repentance what he had done, no chance to recall the choice he had made, although he sought for it carefully with bitter tears ( Hebrews 12:14-17; Genesis 27:30).
This bitterness will manifest itself in many ways; you will have temper tantrums, fear, anxiety, high blood pressure, depression, stress, irritability, sleepless nights, isolation, a constant negative attitude, an obsession to getting even and many more. The absence of bitterness allows for the Holy Spirit to work in my heart.
But if the Holy Spirit is grieved, I will be left to myself, which means I will struggle with all those emotions mentioned previously. This is extremely important when it comes to the matter of reconciliation.
For instance, your best friend has character assassinated or had an affair with your wife/husband. Must you forgive him? Yes, but it doesn’t mean you will remain close friends. If you have totally forgiven the person who hurt you-that is, you have no bitterness against them, then you don’t need to feel the slightest guilt or shame for not wanting a complete restoration of that relationship.
The essential factor is that there should be no trace of bitterness. But how do I know that there is no bitterness left? First, when there is no desire to get even or punish, second, when I do or say nothing that would hurt their reputation or future, and third, when I truly wish them well in all they seek to do.
God raises up an enemy to see if we really want to be like Jesus. So don’t be angry with your enemy. It is most likely the Lord who is behind that enemy to keep you humble and on your knees. Whereas the motive of your enemies may be carnal and selfish, God’s reason for using them is for your sanctification.
Recommended Reading:
Dr. RT Kendal-Total Forgiveness & God Meant it For Good
