Day: February 28, 2018 - Watchman Research Media

Letter to a Would-Be Adulteress

You tell me that you’re nowhere near the path of adultery. You and he are just friends. You both love the Lord and desire to walk in obedience to his word. In fact, it was your shared commitment to Jesus that connected you.

As you served at the Christian conference, chatting over the course of long days and boxed lunches, your conversation was filled with Christ and a zeal for the faith. A group of you got connected on social media, so once the conference was over, moving your dialogue to the inbox was easy. And from there, text messaging made more sense. Now, months later, you’re in touch every couple weeks, with an occasional phone call.

“But nothing about our conversation is improper,” you added quickly. “We talk about our families and ministries. We might touch on something we read in our devotions that morning. He’ll even listen to thoughts about my upcoming blog posts. If anything, at the end of our calls, I’m encouraged and edified in what God has called me to do.”

“Does your husband listen to your thoughts about upcoming blog posts?” I asked.

“Oh, he’s got so much going on,” you said. “I don’t mind that he doesn’t have time.”

“What about spiritual growth?” I asked. “Do you and your husband share what you’re learning as well?”

“Again, it’s just a time issue,” you said. “His job is demanding.”

Friend, I know you’ve said that the mere thought of adultery is repulsive to you, and that you could never see yourself taking that path. But it is my hope and prayer that you see the truth: you are already on the path.

Sin Makes Our Heart Sick

You think you can determine the boundaries of your heart — “This far I will go and no more.” And you attribute goodwill to your heart — “This is only a friendship, and an edifying one at that.”

But you know I love you, and I need to remind you that sin is deceitful, and your heart is susceptible. Scripture says,

Take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living God. But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called “today,” that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. (Hebrews 3:12–13)

Can we break that down? Sin is deceitful — it leads you to believe things that are not true. Who does it deceive? You. It would have you think that you are in control, that you can set the course of your emotions and even confine them at will. It would have you believe that your intentions are perfectly pure. Sin would tout the “good” in having “godly conversations” with this man, while suppressing the truth — that your heart is being drawn to him. You’re taken with the time and attention he gives you. Wooed by the shared attraction to spiritual things.

Sin can make the heart sick. And not a “slight fever” sick, but desperately sick. It treats nothing as sacred. It would use even your love of Christ to lure you into infidelity. While you insist you’re not on the path to adultery, your feet are mired in emotional infidelity. A man who’s not your husband is the one to whom you turn for support and encouragement. He’s the one with whom you seem to be growing spiritually. Far from “edifying,” your communications with this man are leading you headlong into full-blown unfaithfulness.

You cannot begin to understand all that’s happening in your heart, but God knows. Ask him to search your heart, to expose every evil longing that lurks within. And then, ask for forgiveness and for strength to end this “friendship.”

The Flesh Is Weak

Yes, my friend — you have to end it. We cannot fully understand or control the goings-on in our hearts, but God tells us what we can do — guard it. In his infinite wisdom, he says, “Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life” (Proverbs 4:23, NASB).

Every text message heightens your interest. Every conversation engages your affections. Every sighting on social media consumes your mind. You must disentangle yourself. Put a complete end to communication. Block him on your phone and on social media.

“But that’s so extreme,” you say. “Does it really require all that?”

My friend, your measures have to be extreme. The nature of sin and the devices of the enemy require no less. The goal is your destruction. While the gift of eternal life is yours in Christ, you stand to lose your marriage and family, your ministry and witness, and so much more.

Lesser measures leave the door open. You may think it’s enough to decide that you simply won’t reply to his text messages or answer his calls. But Jesus, knowing our makeup intimately, warned, “The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak” (Matthew 26:41). This warning was given as he spoke of temptation.

We must recognize not only the weakness of our flesh, but that it bends toward evil (Romans 7:18). “Make no provision” for it (Romans 13:14). Practically speaking, that’s tantamount to telling your flesh, “No, you won’t even get the occasional gander at his Facebook page.”

Cling to the Savior

Being entangled in sin causes you to lose the sweet fellowship of the Savior. I know you don’t want that, my friend. Whatever fellowship you are seeking in this other man, whatever need you think he fills, seek it in Jesus. He is your portion. He is your Friend. He listens and understands, and he is able to minister to your every need — and the needs in your marriage. Cling to him.

This world is not whole. This reality was poignantly paraded in front of me in my broken childhood home — and maybe yours too.

Parents burden little children’s shoulders with responsibilities far beyond their capacity to bear healthily. We are celebrated for being “wise beyond our years,” but we know the secret: it’s because we never really got to be kids.

Some young boys are taught by older men that women are objects to be used for pleasure; some young girls are taught by older women that men are scum to be spat upon. Family members abuse and manipulate children physically, verbally, or emotionally. The very persons supposed to protect us instead ignore and harm us. Trust is fundamentally fractured and we scramble to cope. Alone.

Parents fight violently. Fathers and mothers abandon one another. Parents die. Children are blamed for circumstances that are never their fault. We become a sponge for shame and disgust, absorbing every last insult and punch.

There exists no mode but survival.

Nothing Is Hidden from God

Heartbreaking realities exist for the daughters that remain. But God is intimately familiar with each moment of our pasts — both our own sins and the way others have sinned against us. Nothing is hidden from his sight — not our restless longings or our terrors in the dead of night.

Because of our background, we often feel like “damaged goods.” We don’t act according to the standard script. We didn’t have “the right” upbringing or didn’t attend “the right” youth group or didn’t have a chance to develop “the correct” skill set or manners.

Bible verses that are meant to strengthen us leave us feeling insecure: “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones” (Proverbs 12:4). What if you don’t have two (or any) parents? Satan whispers that excellence means the right family, the right status, the right background.

Remember Ruth

Sister, when Satan lies in your ears, remind him of Ruth.

If a woman’s identity and worth were based on her family and background, Boaz would have never considered a woman from a pagan culture, especially a completely destitute one at that. And he would have missed a jewel. Instead, he looked at her faithfulness, her servant-heartedness toward her mother-in-law (whom she technically had no obligation to), and her persistent work ethic. She was excellent in godliness.

In an act that is steeped in the foreshadowing flavors of Jesus, Boaz saw a poor girl who had likely worshiped many idols during her youth in a pagan country and who could offer him little as his bride but her devotion to the Lord.

Instead of disgust, we see grace and pursuit. We see him clothing her and redeeming her in honor as he takes her to be his bride. We see Christ do the same thing with a church who could not find or build or work or good-deed her way to him, so he came after her and clothed her.

My sister, do not deny your trauma. It’s okay to admit hurt. But it’s not okay to wallow in our wounds when we have been healed by our Savior’s.

Do not deny the tears you shed quietly at night so that no one else will hear. Do not deny your frustration that you don’t remember what it’s like to be safe or to be assured of love and protection. But deny the belief that the burdens you bear overpower your Savior’s words, “It is finished” (John 19:30).

You Are Not Less

God’s love is not like human love, sister (Romans 8:38–39). He sees our wounds more clearly than we do. And he wants to draw the poison of distrust and shame and fear out of our wounds, which often hurts — sometimes a lot.

The only thing we have to fear is the Lord who can destroy both the body and the soul (Matthew 10:28), not the perceptions of people (even fellow believers) or of our own hearts. If “the fear of the Lord” truly is the beginning of our wisdom and beauty (Proverbs 9:10; 31:30), and if God is faithful, then those of us emerging from broken homes that fear, love, and seek the Lord will be carried by his Spirit wherever our parents fell short.

Christian households don’t make good Christians; our good God makes dead people alive. No one, broken home or not, is born again without him.

Sister, don’t for a minute think you are less in Christ because of your background. We are all new creations, no matter our past (2 Corinthians 5:17). You are seen. You are loved. You are prized. One day, all the things that have caused your tears will seem as light and momentary afflictions (2 Corinthians 4:17). One day, you will be whole — like him and with him.

Calley Sivils is a college graduate (B.S. Linguistics) growing in love and service to others in a small Missouri town. She writes on her blog, Washedwanderer, and you can reach her on Facebook.

End That Friendship